NOTE: The shirts mentioned in this essay are no longer available.
Here’s my open letter to Rick Mercer at the CBC. Enjoy…or something.
To whom it may concern, but especially Mr. Mercer;
I am currently being held hostage and have noticed that you, along with approximately 34,482,779 other Canadians (according to the World Bank in 2011) are too. WE are being held hostage by none other than the War of 1812. Sorry. I mean WE are being held hostage by none other than our own elected Prime Minister! Can you believe this?! I am really disappointed that my tax dollars and vote (for the NDP) are being wasted in not just one but TWO omnibus bills! HOLY BEEALZEBUB! I don’t recall a contract being sent to me to have $180,000 worth of my tax dollars being made into environmental advertising rammed down my throat. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I don’t have cable.
Regardless Prime Minister Stephen “Bush-light” Harper hates all of his hostages and I came to this realization after a long hot shower. This epiphany of sorts nearly made me fall in the tub! I guess if I had fallen in the tub that would be one less lefty for Mr Harper to worry about. Having this near death incident I devised a plan so insidious that I tittered to myself on the bus en route to a local screen printer (thankfully my bus pass qualifies for a tax credit which are far and few between.) I gave the fine fellows some of my hard earned dollars and made a series of shirts. One of which I have enclosed with the hope that it will keep you warm this Christmas while you slave away tittering on CBC television. Thankfully I can watch your episodes with my fancy new dial-up internet connection. By the way, you may want to get your stuttering problem worked out before going on air because I think that it may be detracting from your on air presence. A friend told that that was because I have dial-up internet. Bull poop! If anything it is because my phone lines are tapped because I am selling these shirts on my little home away from home on the internet. The address for my insidious creations for sale is:
shop.dramaticsituations.com
They are reasonably priced at $15 for Smalls to X-Larges and $17 for XX-Larges and XXX-Larges. There is NO G.S.T. even! But I was told that if I sell 3 or more I may have to look into charging G.S.T. We’ll cross that burned bridge when we come to it. Shipping charges will be applied at the end of the transaction but I can assure you and your 57 viewers (again, according to the World Bank in 2011) that the shipping charges won’t break the bank (that is if anyone still trusts a bank) and that they will be shipped out lickety split from my hovel here in Edmonton. See not all Edmontonians are murderers! We just get cold here and have nothing better to do with our time than harass television personalities, grow oil and dig for trees…I mean dig for oil and grow trees. Well something like that anyways.
Well that is all for now I have shipped my little gift via Canada Post (if it still exists) and hope that you or one or two of your friends get a chuckle or 3 from my shirt. But remember to keep it under 3 chuckles because you may be charged G.S.T. for more. I thank you for your time and hope that you keep up the good fight!
Yours truly,
Corey Hamilton
P.S. These shirts were tested on animals. They didn’t fit.